Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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