turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
