Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
