Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
