based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
