I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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