Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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