its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
