We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
