best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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