it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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