Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I need to align my fucking chakras
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
