he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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