she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
