I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
