An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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