The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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