Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
