when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
