An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
