Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
