how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
bring money and cleavage
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
