My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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