Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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