cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
