he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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