I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
