you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
