if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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