What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
