my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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