Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
