the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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