is your mom at the bar?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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