I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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