so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
