Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize