wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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