I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
