Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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