That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
don't judge my taste in strippers
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
