need another drink. this is the easiest way
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
