I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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