I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
