Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
