he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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