sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
