Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He did a backflip because drugs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
