Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
