I can tuck mytits in my pants
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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