sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
